The No1 challenge that comes up when I work with young people is expectations. As a Kinesiologist I test the stress of expectations in a number of directions: there’s other peoples expectations of us, our expectations of others and the most demanding is our expectations of ourselves. People can also experience stress related to expectations between two others.
When we are stressed about expectations we are feeling judged. The judgment from others or ourselves (usually the harshest) can feel that we are not being loved and accepted. Our greatest fears are that we may fail or not be enough and consequently others will not love us. This can be the root cause of anxiety and depression.
Young people are particularly sensitive about the judgments of others because they have not fully developed their own clear identity. Part of the teen stage is learning about who they are and what they want or deserve in life. With the exposure our young people have to social media the expectations on them and for them are excessive. A strong family foundation is vitally important to provide them with a sense of security and grounding.
If a parent holds high expectations for their child, despite their best intentions they can be putting pressure on the child. Quoting from Louise Hay, This is a form of unconditional love: “I will love you IF… is not love, it is control”.
There needs to be a balance between setting rules with enough room to learn who they are, even if they make a few mistakes along the way and not having enough boundaries that shows they are loved and protected. The challenge is giving them just enough rope!
A parents internal fears and stresses about work, finances, careers, social status, success and achievements all rub off on their children. If your worried about them getting the right
grade, going to the right University, the right degree and the right career then they can be subconsciously aware of it. Children today are much more sensitive then previous generations; the
y pick up on your energy. It’s telling them that you do not trust them to make the right choices.
Instead of telling them what you expect from them it would be more helpful to ask them what they want to achieve and then if they would like some help? They will let you know.
To paraphrase Wu Wei from his book, The I Cing: “Create enthusiasm for their goals, strengthen their commitment and focus, and fill them with the energy and good spirits needed to reach their goals. “
Have faith and trust them. Set mutually agreed boundaries and let them go, adjusting slightly if they veer too far of their path. The worst may never happen.
I believe our young people are more creative, sensitive, inspiring and openly loving and given the right foundation they will do great things.
Next blog I will talk more about the foundations.
